February 17th, 2011
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference.
This prayer is my daily mantra. Yesterday was no exception.
My beloved friend and companion, Sabby, was put to sleep last night. It was an act of mercy on my part – for all concerned – as he became lame and his illness was taking its toll on his quality of life. The angelic vet assistant who accompanied me along the way said to me: “Char, you did well by him, and you are helping him in a way that we humans aren’t allowed to do for each other. He is truly blessed to have you as his owner.”
One of the privileges and responsibilities of pet ownership is to enjoy them while they are with us and to care for them lovingly which includes “in sickness and in health.” I find veterinarians, as a group, to be some of the most compassionate, caring professionals who are truly able to keep the best interest of their patients in mind. I was also blessed to have a team of veterinarians who worked tirelessly to find the right medications to keep Sabby comfortable.
I take great comfort in knowing that I did the best I could for Sabby. I accepted that I couldn’t change his fate and I found the courage to find the right vets for him.
This is not the first time I’ve lost an animal. In the past, losing an animal has been extremely traumatic for me. This time was different though and though it was still hard, it didn’t have that same sting of trauma.
My intent in sharing this story is for you, dear reader, to think of what’s going on (or has happened already) in your own life that has been challenging to deal with. Perhaps you’re on the verge of losing a beloved friend, family member or animal. Or maybe that has just happened. Perhaps, there’s something in your personal or professional life that is changing or has changed unexpectedly that comes to mind.
I invite you to pause for a moment and see what comes to mind. If you want, as I share how this time was different for me, see if what follows helps you make a teeny tiny shift and softens the impact of change.
What is going on in your life that you cannot change? And, are there things that you could change to make this situation easier?
The power of asking questions of ourseves is sometimes not in the answer itself but instead in just opening up the space to consider the question. As with anything, there is no one right way to do this. I recognize we are all different so what works for me may not work for you.
Consider my questions (which follow my own personal insights) as invitations to think about whatever you’re dealing with right now.
- I asked in prayer for a sign of when Sabby needed to be put down. Shortly thereafter, he became clearly lame in 3 feet, stopped eating and drinking. There was no mistaking that the end was near and he was suffering.
Consider this : Is there something that you’re concerned about? Would you like to ask for a sign about what to do or consider next? What would that look like?
- I told people I trust what was going on as it was happening, which helped me have the courage to do what was needed and feel less alone.
Wondering: Is there someone you could talk to ( by email, by phone or in person )who could help you feel less alone?
- I spent some quality time with Sabby listening to my favorite music with a candle burning and got him to purr. I will always feel connected to him.
Think: Is there a way to honor or acknowledge what you’re going through right now? Yes, it’s important and No, it won’t take as long or be as hard as you think.
- I attended to all the practical details ahead of time which included telling the vet how to handle the bill, how I wanted to leave after it was over, and that I would be leaving the cat carrier and blanket with them so I didn’t have to walk out with an empty carrier. This was an act of mercy for myself.
Question: Are there some details that you could attend to ahead of time to make things easier for you in the long run?
- I had a plan for coming home which included taking my dogs for a walk, making a healthy dinner, and calling my kids who have been so supportive through this. I followed through with my plan even though I felt like curling up in a ball. It helped.
Hmmmm: Would it be helpful to think of what to do later so you wouldn’t have to think about it in the moment?
What I’ve learned over and over again is that having words to describe my feelings, asking trustworthy people for support, attending to practical details, and having a plan have all been major building blocks that help me feel more peaceful about difficult situations. My hope for you is that this blog helps you find greater peace and self kindness as well. I’d love to hear how this lands for you.
February 2nd, 2011
I went on a retreat this past weekend I thought I’d share with you this poem, by Lao Tzu, which helped me turn a corner over the weekend with respect to my recent bout with insomnia. This insomnia has been particularly acute for the past couple months and reached a critical point over the weekend.
Thank God I was graced with this good supportive environment which, along with my healthcare providers and my loving family, helped me through this.
Always We Hope
Always we hope
Someone else has the answer
Some other place will be better,
Some other time it will all turn out.
This is it.
No one else has the answer
No other place will be better,
And it has already turned out.
At the center of your being
You have the answer,
You know who you are
And you know what you want.
There is no need
To run outside
For better seeing.
Nor to peer from a window.
Rather abide at the center of your being;
For the more you leave it, the less you learn.
Search your heart
The way to do
Is to be.
I am hoping that, if you’re in the middle of depression, anxiety, or chronic pain, this poem may offer you some comfort. And, if you’re not struggling with these things, my wish for you is to embrace whatever is happening in your life and rest in the knowledge that you do in fact know exactly what you want and what you need right now.
I’m relieved to report that my insomnia is behind me at the moment. I have had two nights of restful sleep and am feeling so much better.
All of my issues are right where I left them – waiting for me to attend to the details.
My commitment is to attend to them with simple steps, noticing what works and being very gentle with myself in the process. I share this with you because I hope, that by being vulnerable and transparent about my own process, that in some way this will encourage you to do the same for yourself.
As always, if I can help you along the way, please feel free to contact me.
January 24th, 2011
It’s a real conundrum. When you’re sick and also the one responsible for taking care of yourself at the same time, it’s tough. Beyond tough. Period.
There are no simple answers. There is only living through it – and trial and error. Keep it simple: try something and notice whether it provides a little relief. Whether it’s medication or meditation, the results are often hard to measure because you’re in the middle of your own circumstances.
Though you may hope and wish for a competent caregiver, one may not be available for you.
You may feel embarassed as others you love, like a family member or perhaps a close friend, stand by wringing their hands feeling helpless and afraid.
You may feel responsible to come through, to keep pulling rabbits out of your hat, to get your act together – for the sake of setting a good example for others at the very least if not for your own sanity.
Because we’re all different, there are as many variations on the plotline of this story as there are people who struggle with their mental health.
I don’t have an answer to this one. It is heartbreaking.
What I can offer you though is hope. That things do change. Because that is life – life is about change. And though those changes may feel hard or the good things may feel difficult to hold on to, there is still hope.
And there is love. See if you can find that love within yourself – even if just for a moment – to do the little things that help.
Because those little things do in fact help. Whatever they are. Since we’re all different, those little things are likewise different for each of us. If you can’t think of one little thing that helps, try anything. A deep breath. A walk outside. A stretch. A cup of coffee. All good things to try and notice if they help. Even if just for a moment and even if just a little.
Oftentimes, you can build on those little things that help – doing one after another, and create some momentum. Sometimes, it’s a bit touch and go- which can be frustrating. If you can remember there’s hope, you’ll get yourself back on track.
And keep in mind that you’re okay just as you are – no matter what it may feel like or seem like on the inside – that right this moment, as you are reading this you are okay. And you have this difficult passage that you’re going through where you are both the caregiver and the patient in charge.
Maybe you need support with that – so that you can be the best you can be for yourself.
Yes, you heard me. . . though your life may be about survival and responsibilities, you are here to enjoy your life.
See if you can touch into that spot – even if just for a moment – and find that spot that once knew joy. And if you can’t find it right now, it’s okay too. Just know it exists.
And if I can walk with you through this. . . . please, let me know. Because I get this one . . . . deep in my bones, I get it. And what I can offer you is support, structure, someone to sit on the curb with you who doesn’t need anything from you other than for you to show up as you are. Because that’s what I’m here for – to help you love yourself through this and find your way to feeling better.
January 13th, 2011
Note: This is the first in a series of case studies about how to figure out if you’ve got the right healthcare provider for your needs. This case study talks about how to work with those unsettling feelings that may be your first indication that things aren’t working for you.
Jane (a fictitious name) went to see her primary care doctor to talk about her anxiety and felt unsettled afterwards. When I asked her what felt unsettling, she said she was sure it was “all in her head” and that “it didn’t make any difference because this is the only provider she can see right now due to her insurance.”
“Maybe I was just too tired to explain things clearly”, she said. “I showed her the Appointment Prep form because I felt too overwhelmed to talk much. But I still feel uncomfortable with what happened.”
I asked her whether she could identify any bodily sensations when she thought about her relationship with her doctor. She said: “Yes, when I think about what happened, I clench my teeth, my shoulders ache, and I feel my stomach churning.”
I said to Jane, “When you think about your interaction with your doctor and you feel into those sensations, what’s the first thing that comes up.”
Jane hesitated and then replied: ” I don’t know. I don’t want to think about it though.”
There was a long pause before Jane said, “Well, it may have something to do with the fact that I have been on this medication for a long time to manage my anxiety and they’ve adjusted the dose a couple times. However, when the nurse verified my medications, their electronic records had the dose wrong. That made me uneasy as the dose was way higher than what I usually take. And the last time I was there, before they switched to electronic records, they couldn’t find my chart and when they finally found it, it was the wrong chart and we didn’t figure it out for a while. Or, maybe, the time before that when the nurse came in and said the doctor only had 10 minutes to see me even though I’d waited over an hour for her for a regularly scheduled appointment and I felt like my issues needed more attention than that. And come to think of it. . . . ”
As you can see, there’s plenty of reasons Jane felt unsettled about her relationship with her healthcare provider. Here’s a little synopsis of what wasn’t working for her:
-an error in the electronic medical records about her medication
-administrative issues regarding locating and then showing up with the correct chart
-inadequate attention to her medical issues
-excessive wait time for a scheduled appointment
Here’s the point: When you have that “unsettled feeling” with your healthcare provider, it’s worth exploring. Why? Because, over time, you’ll be able to evaluate if this is truly the healthcare provider for you or whether you need to look at alternatives.
Though you may think there’s no alternatives available due to your insurance, the needs of your other family members, or other reasons – you can trust the old expression that where there’s a will there’s a way. And the first step is to look at what’s bugging you about your situation.
Regardless of what type of healthcare provider you’re working with – a therapist, psychiatrist, physical therapist or other provider – if you’re feeling uncomfortable, there’s a reason for it. It’s useful to know what that reason is as a starting place to figuring out how to get your healthcare needs addressed. Notice that I said this is a starting place to ask yourself first what’s going on. I encourage you to think through this thoughtfully and carefully so that you can make the choices that are right for you.
Here’s the first step if you’re feeling unsettled about your relationship with your healthcare provider: Ask yourself if you’re willing to explore what’s bugging you about this? Don’t force yourself to think this through – instead, extend a friendly invitation to yourself like this. “Hey, if you wanna talk about what happened, I’m here . If you had to guess, what’s the first thing that comes to mind?” You may want to journal on this, talk it over with a friend or leave a comment here to get it out of your head.
January 3rd, 2011
I thought a long time about how to title this post . The question “How Can I Help?” turns me off when someone offers this mixed blessing to me in a store. On the other hand, it is the most honest way I know to ask you how I can truly be of service to you if you’re struggling with health issues and sincerely want to figure out how to help yourself.
What I really want to talk about today is my intention for 2011 and how it came about. Why? Because I believe intentions, instead of resolutions, are great ways for setting our sights on what we really want our lives to feel like so I’m hoping this will inspire you to set an intention if you’d like.
Of all the parts of the holidays that I enjoy, setting my yearly intention is one of the things I look forward to the most – it feels so nourishing to me.
My theme for 2010 was prayerfulness, which I defined as inviting myself to ask God for help more often. I can’t really tell you if I learned more when I remembered I could ask for help – or when I forgot, and then remembered it was an option later. In any event, it made for some good laughs and some hard won lessons. And, as always, asking God for help and being willing and able to listen is a lifelong work in progress anyway . . . . so I won’t be running out of opportunities to practice this!!!. For example, my New Year’s eve gift was my computer crashing leaving me with no way to access my emails or files and needing to figure out what to do for a computer. So, for the last several days including today, I have found myself asking for help about how to deal with the bane of my existence – technology.
It has also been perfect timing for the birth of my 2011 intention which I refer to as Skillfulness. Skillfulness combines asking for help from God with attending thoughtfully to the practical details of my life and my work. It has been a humbling experience (to say the least) to ask for help as I skillfully navigated Best Buy today, purchased this computer, set it up with the help from my angelic tech support, and wrote this blog while putting up with all the mis-steps and surprises of acclimating to a new system. Oy!!
I am skillfully attending to the practical details of teaching others how to help themselves through their own ups and downs of physical and mental pain in ways that are truly useful. I deeply respect that what helps people deal with these kinds of issues is not a “big box solution” – there is no one size fits all, no one book or method, no one thing that works and fits every situation. Why? Because life changes, we change and we are all different.
I’m developing classes, teleclasses, podcasts, and blog posts to support you and those you love who are struggling with pain, depression or anxiety. Are there some specific situations that come to mind that you’d like some support with? Would you like to be part of a small group of trustworthy people like you who also really want to learn solid skills to help them through the ups and downs of these unpredictable situations?
Please leave a comment here or pick up the phone and call to let me know (as I can’t access my email. . . . yet!)
Wishing you all life’s blessings in 2011 and always!!
December 25th, 2010
The holidays can be such a surprising time. They take us out of our routine which can be both wonderful and a welcome relief from the day to day routine.
At the same time, there can be comfort in our day to day routine that may get discombobulated as our lives build to a fever pitch in anticipation of everything “closing down” on Christmas.
If you’re spending time with family, you may find yourself triggered (as I do myself) by any number of things. Just think of a couple things that may irritate you where perhaps you find yourself saying something like this:
- “Whyyyyyy do they do that?”
- “I better not say anything but man that really grinds my gears.”
- “Remind me why we’re doing this again?!”
- Fill in your own head scratching question or comment!
When the noise in my head gets too loud, I know it’s time for a break. It can often take me a while to be willing to acknowledge that noise – I often find myself saying to myself “hey, this really is fun!!” – while a teeny tiny part of me says “reeealllly?”
Sometimes it takes me a while to remember that I’m entitled to what feels good to me (which often differs from what feels good to my family) – especially as the voice in my head says, “Look, we’re all together – this is what you’ve wanted. Right? Just enjoy it.”
Separating myself from that chatter, I remind myself that yes, being with my family is exactly what I want. And there are many moments that I really enjoy.
And it is unrealistic and impossible to enjoy every single one of those moments.
Sometimes it takes me a while to develop the willingness to try what I’m about to mention – but here’s what is helpful to me.
I hope that in some way these ideas may help you find your own way to make your holidays more of what you want them to be.
People vary. Life is complicated. So, what works for me may not be your cup of tea. (Speaking of which, I think I’ll make one- good idea!!)
Here’s what I do:
1. Notice What’s Up: I notice the dialogue in my head feels uncomfortable in some way. I ask myself gently what’s uncomfortable (common themes for me are I’m frustrated, irritated, annoyed, feeling angry, sad, or resentful about something)
3. Body Talk: I check in with my body and find a spot that could use a little TLC. It may be my head, my heart, my hip – you get the idea. (it goes like this – ohh, tight jaw, shallow breath, right hip aches, etc)
4. Help is on the Way: I let my body inform what I do next.
5. Now what? Then, I notice how things are feeling.
This can take all of two seconds and amount to a couple deep nurturing breaths. It can take the form of a two hour nap. It can mean cleaning up the kitchen (for the umpteenth time) which often gives me a sense of order which I thrive on. It can be reading a great book in my room.
I wish all of you moments of great joy celebrating the holidays with those you love – and for those other moments, great survival skills that truly work for you.
December 18th, 2010
Last night while I was making dinner and my son saw my cat Sabby lying in the kitchen, I discovered once again the parallels between dealing with veterinarians and dealing with our own health.
But, this is not a story about me and my cat.
This is a story about all of us who deal with chronic pain, depression and anxiety. There are so many similarities I found between my own experience and what’s common for those of us dealing with these invisible illnesses.
“Mom, look at Sabby, ” he said, ” His belly is huge. Feel this. He looks awful!”
It was 7:30PM, I was hungry and in the midst of making a late supper for us. What I was looking forward to was eating (I was long overdue already!) and cleaning up the kitchen, turning in for the evening early.
I so didn’t want to hear that.
The truth is I had noticed over the last couple days that Sabby was acting funny. He was hanging out in my room by the heater a lot and had had an accident. I thought to myself, “Oh, it’s just this one time. Don’t make a deal out of it, this happens. Just clean it up and move on.”
Pausing here – stepping outside of this example – and noticing how many times I’ve noticed that I don’t feel well, and just passed over it rather than give myself a little TLC in the moment. How many times has this happened for you?
Anyway, I’d noticed Sabby didn’t seem up to par and I didn’t really want to deal with it. Not because I don’t care – but because I didn’t have the energy to find out what’s going on.
So, I said to Aaron, “The vet is open on Saturday and I’ll call in the morning.”
In the meantime, Aaron said, “Mom, he looks really bad to me and I have a bad feeling about this.”
Oh, how I hate when Aaron has a bad feeling about something. I just hate it!!!
“Oh, @$%^#, ” I thought, “Now, I have to deal with it.” I sooooo didn’t want to. I can’t tell you how much I didn’t want to deal with this.
Fortunately for me, my vet has an emergency service which she almost always responds to. She called me back and met me at the office.
After examining him, she said, “It’s not urinary blockage so what we need to do is blah blah blah!” It’s not that what she was was unimportant - it’s that I couldn’t understand it. Nor did I want to understand her.
All I wanted to know is that he was going to be okay. I wanted reassurance and a plan of action to take care of him. I didn’t want details.
She continued sharing the details and my ears perked up when she said, “We need to rule out heartworm and feline leukemia. That could have potentially devastating consequences not only for Sabby but for your other cats at home.”
OMG!!! OMG!!! OMG!!!! My system was on full alert. I might be dealing with an epidemic rather than one sick cat. As I tried to hold it together for my son who was with me, I could feel my heart sink into the pit of my stomach as tears streamed uncontrollably down my face.
My worst fears were coming true. This was somehow all my fault.
Here’s what I learned. As I share this with you, think about your own situation or perhaps that of someone you love who is dealing with chronic pain, depression or anxiety:
This is a No Blame Zone: It’s so common to blame ourselves when we suffer from chronic pain, depression and anxiety. The truth is it’s not your fault. (Just like it’s not my fault that I have these things.) It happens, life happens, and it’s up to us to find ways that work for us to deal with it. That’s the reason I chose to teach Your Health Your Way (which will be starting again – stay tuned for more details soon)
This is Also a No Blame Zone for Loved Ones: When we love someone who is sick, it is likewise not our fault. (Just like it isn’t my fault that the cat is sick.) People struggle with depression, chonic pain and anxiety and we didn’t cause it.
Not wanting to deal with health issues is natural and human: No one wants to deal with health issues that get in our way. I keep learning this over and over again despite the fact that I often ask myself, “Why didn’t you get help for this before?” The facts are that illnesses disrupt our already busy lives and we have other things we’d rather deal with . That’s the way it is – it’s not an indictment of our character.
So, if you’ve got health issues going on that you don’t feel like dealing with, I get it. Permission to deal with them when you’re ready to or when things get acute enough that you feel forced to deal with them – or not. It’s up to you.
Help – and any number of choices - will be available whenever you decide you’re ready for it. And with some experimentation, you’ll find things that work well for your lifestyle. I believe that with all my heart.
Healthcare Providers may be thinking out loud: When healthcare providers start talking in what appears to be gobbldy gook, in my opinion, it is okay to tune out of whatever they are saying that you don’t understand. Think about what is most relevant for you to get your needs met. In my case, what I needed was to be reassured that my cat would be okay and also to know the other cats weren’t potentially in jeopardy. I also recognized that my veterinarian needed to process things out loud in order to draw her own conclusions
Healthcare Providers often cannot offer us exactly what we are needing: My veterinarian could actually not offer me the reassurance that I wanted. How do I know this? Because I asked her directly, “Will he be okay?” and she said, “Char, the prognosis for your cat is not good.” That’s not what I wanted to hear. On the other hand, I said, “Does it look like it’s heartworm or feline leukemia which would jeopardize my other cats?” and she said, “At this point, it doesn’t look like that’s the case and I’ve ruled it out pretty much.” Again, this is not the absolute reassurance I wanted but it helped me.
So, if you’re dealing with chronic pain, anxiety or depression – the good news is there is hope and help available for you when you’re ready for it. And when you’re not ready, there’s still that same hope and help that is available whenever you choose to attend to it.
And physicians and others who speak gobbledy-goop? There’s ways of dealing with that to get the information that is most useful to you.
Figure out what your needs are from your healthcare provider and ask for them. For example, you can say, “Can you reassure me that I’ll be okay?” If that’s what you need, ask directly for it. Even if they can’t reassure you, that knowledge is better than wondering about it in my opinion.
I offer you tools that I personally have found helpful as I’ve navigated my way through chronic pain, depression and anxiety – and found I was really ready to partner with my providers to take care of myself. I wanted information that I could understand. I wanted to help myself find things that really worked for me on my own . I developed some strategies were truly helpful.
I now offer you these same tools that you can adapt and custom fit to your own ever changing health situations. To use them in ways that feel truly supportive, loving and give you the information you need to make the choices that are right for you.
When you’re ready, there’s hope and there’s help available for you no matter what you’re struggling with. And when you’re not ready, and just want support and understanding for whatever you’re experiencing, I hope that you find that too.
Whether you choose to read my blog or contact me personally, I believe that there is hope and help available for you – always – in ways that may be surprisingly simple and do-able.
As for my cat, it’s a waiting game at the moment. I’m waiting for test results and while I do, I’m doing the little things that help me feel better like doing yoga, staying in touch with my kids, and walking my dogs. Why? Because taking care of myself is ultimately taking care of those I love.
I invite you to do the same – is there one thing that comes to your mind right now that would be helpful to you to feeling better? Share it with us here on the blog – your ideas give others ideas too. I’d love your good wishes for Sabby too!
November 15th, 2010
Health insurance. It’s a hot topic these days. Very hot.
I am fortunate to have comprehensive coverage through Blue Cross Blue Shield. True to form, there is a rate hike every October.
This year’s premium increase was over 30% which really put a serious dent in my budget.
So, like any good healthcare consumer, I started considering options. And gathering information. In the process, among other things, I learned that I had been misquoted the actual amount of the increase and in fact it was roughly a 15% increase. Considering the amount of the premium was already expensive without any increase, I continued my comparison.
Little did I know that at the end of the day, despite what the numbers told me, I’d value my peace of mind over the potential savings I could have with a catastrophic policy and a Health Savings Account. I bit the bullet and ended up, at the last minute, keeping my comprehensive coverage.
Perhaps I channel Ralph Nader because, at my core, I am a huge consumer advocate. I can’t stand even the possibility of being ripped off about anything when it comes to money.
If I get poor service, I’m discussing it with the employee first and then the manager. If I see an unwarranted charge on my credit card bill, I’ll be calling them to inquire.
I had to pay almost $500 to apply for the high deductible insurance while I was considering whether to make a change back in August. Thank God I charged it to my credit card.
I’ve called Blue Cross Blue Shield 4 times and requested a refund. Each time, I’ve been put on hold, transferred, and been told that it would be “ten business days” and then the check would be “processed.” It is now November and . . . no check.
So, what’s a healthcare consumer to do? While talking to my friend today, I realized what many consumers do. Give up. Because it’s too much of a hassle.
Feeling angry, irritated and frustrated when the system doesn’t work the way it should is totally understandable.
If things worked the way they should, Blue Cross would have refunded my money without me calling in the first place.
Certainly, by the 4th time I should have my check in hand.
The insurance company is not being malicious; they’re a bureaucracy and they’re inefficient. It’s not personal.
Nonetheless, whether it’s five bucks or $500, I needed to get it back. Since I had paid for this with a credit card, I simply called the credit card company and filed a dispute. The charge was immediately credited back to me. Problem solved.
What I also realized today is yet another reason why I’m offering the course Your Health Your Way. This is a class for people struggling with chronic pain, depression or anxiety to help them manage their lives moment to moment.
Frustrating experiences with merchants are just one of the many stressors that can be part of an average day. These experiences can be overwhelming and understandably cause many people (including me) to either ignore them or feel victimized.
It is these very moments which the healthcare system cannot address which often wreak havoc in our lives, increasing our physical or mental pain.
Chronic pain, anxiety and depression often carry such stigma with them that no one really wants to acknowledge them. Instead we suffer in silence.
If you are one of those silent sufferers, I offer you hope, respect and practical support. Consider joining me – you can participate as much or as little as you like.
Many friends and family members feel frustrated and helpless as they watch a loved one suffer with the crippling effects of these conditions. I’ve often heard others say how they wish they could “fix it” and how hard it is to see someone suffer.
I’ve been on both sides of this. I’ve been the person suffering with chronic pain, anxiety and depression. I’ve also watched others I care about struggle with it.
At the end of the day, we can’t take away each other’s pain. But, we can offer a listening ear, a hug, a supportive resource.
My class will help your loved one find tools that they can use to manage their health in a way that works for them.
I invite you to consider sharing Your Health Your Way with your loved one to see what they think of it. You may be surprised by their response.
November 10th, 2010
I am the proud owner of two dogs – Phoebe and Savannah – who amuse, inspire and comfort me every day. They are my very best friends. As I let them out this morning, they horrified me by their behavior with a defenseless squirrel. Thankfully no one was here to witness my complete meltdown.
Mid-process, my son called and said: “What’s wrong Mom?” I told him the grizzly story, alternating between sobbing and trying to catch my breath. The remains were waiting for me ominously outside.
I couldn’t reconcile the love that I have for my dogs with their atrocious behavior. My son suggested I get some help with the clean up and I told him that there was no one I could ask. I had to let the dogs out again so it was important that I handle this immediately.
How I wished someone else was here to handle the dirty work. Sadly, that wasn’t the case so I chose to put on my big girl pants and face my fears alone.
The question I asked myself was this: How can I make this awful situation as easy on myself as possible? What would help me even the teeny-est tiny-est bit to get through this?
Here’s what I did. The results were nothing short of miraculous for me.
First, I turned on the kettle to make a cup of coffee when I was done; the whistling kettle would also get me back in the house quickly. I took the lid off the trash so that it would be waiting for me. I grabbed a large grocery bag and lined it with another large plastic bag. Carrying the shovel and the pooper scooper, I began cleaning up the lawn avoiding the area in question. I found some ratty dog toys that I threw in along with some other debris in the process and finally approached the scene of the crime. Once there, I allowed myself to scream, cry, quake, shudder and everything in between including falling into a dull silent reverence for the helpless creature. After a few attempts and some deep breaths, it was over.
As I was coming in the house I asked myself what good could possibly come of this.
Immediately I thought of sharing this with you as evidence of what happens when we can face down our greatest demons. To hold in my mind that my beloved dogs would do something so awful (even though I know they’re simply acting on instinct) was excruciating. It brought up all kinds of other losses for me.
And, if I didn’t know how to ask myself the question of how I could make this easier, I could have ended up paralyzed with anxiety. Just asking myself the question somehow opened up ways to handle this that would be more merciful.
I then realized THIS is precisely why I designed my teleclass Your Health Your Way.
I was living proof of the fact that asking myself the right questions to create greater comfort and ease around this horrible situation made all the difference in my ability to move on in my day and share this powerful story.
There is so much stigma around mental health issues. And that stigma is one of the leading reasons people who struggle with these things try and tough it out, ignore it or pretend it’s not happening.
That may work for some people.
What I offer though is a choice to face your pain and find a way through it with comfort, support and simple steps that you can apply as things happen in your life.
My class will help you see options where you may have felt helpless. It will help you find hope, where you may have felt hopeless.
My son called later and asked me how I was doing. I told him that I felt I had faced down one of my greatest fears. He asked me if I felt happy. I told him that I didn’t feel happy – but I felt empowered and independent.
My class will also help you feel empowered and independent when managing your mental health.
Dealing with chronic pain, anxiety and depression is difficult and I can’t promise you my class will make you instantly and forever happier.
But, what I can tell you is that this class will open up possibilities for independently and effectively managing your mental health in a way that works for you.
If you’re struggling with this stuff, I hope you’ll consider joining me. If this isn’t for you, please pass it on as you never know who is silently dealing with the effects of chronic pain, anxiety and/or depression.
November 3rd, 2010
What is it about the word “patient” that makes us want to run screaming from the room? No one (including me) wants to be a patient because it implies that we are sick and need help.
It’s completely understandable that no one, including you, wants to be labeled “a patient”.
What’s really true, though, is that before you are a patient, you are a unique person. And you are a multi-faceted one. One of those facets may, at times, include the fact that you are sick and in pain and need the help of the healthcare system.
During those times when you use the healthcare system, you don the garb of a patient.
But the majority of your life you are this unique individual with this one precious life. So, most of the time if you have health issues, you are managing your life on your own while simultaneously living through whatever is bugging you about your health.
You may feel “allergic” to the healthcare system. Just the thought of dealing with a healthcare provider can feel overwhelming, frustrating or bore you to tears. Maybe all three.
Here’s the problem though.
No one knows your needs better than you do. No one knows your body better than you do. And no one knows your lifestyle better than you do.
And, though the healthcare system can be supportive and helpful, your well being depends on your willingness and ability to figure out, sometimes second by second, how to do what you need to do while also taking care of yourself.
That’s why I’ve designed “Your Health Your Way”, a 3 week teleclass to help you manage chronic pain, depression, and/or anxiety moment by moment in your daily life. This course is all about helping you respond with agility and self kindness to your changing health needs. Stay tuned for more details as well as a special earlybird price.