Lemons Morphing Into Lemonade – What’s Your Version?
December 6th, 2009
Lemon #1:
My husband died over 15 years ago from a brain tumor – the kids at the time were 2 and 7. Two beautiful innocent boys – and no one asked for this. They are now 20 and 24.
Morphing into Lemonade. . . .
These kids are two of the smartest most perceptive people I know - each in their own way. One is intuitively brilliant. . . the other is amazing at getting things accomplished in practical ways.
Their methods work for them – except when they don’t. When the intuitive one needs to get things done, he falls apart. When the practical one wants to understand something on a deeper level, he can’t figure it out.
We help each other out. We support each other. And sometimes we totally get in each other’s way because our mindsets are so very different.
But, on the whole, when we put our heads together, we get somewhere.
Lemon #2
Losing my husband was the sourest lemon I ever tasted. He died as a result of this random brain tumor – out of nowhere as at first it had no symptoms whatsoever – that changed him from being free spiritied to someone I had to watch very carefully to be sure he didn’t hurt himself.
Morphing into More Lemonade…
My closest friend in the world, Donna - who started out as my housekeeper – helped me raise my children. She began working for me when my youngest was 10 months old and has been with me 20 years. We lovingly refer to her as “the eyes and ears of this institution”.
She was a guardian angel while my husband was ill and kept an eye on him so I could get away from the chaos or take the kids out individually. Towards the end, she held the whole house together while he was in an in-patient hospice that was an hour an a half from our home.
As the kids grew up, she helped them learn how to tie their shoes, ride their bikes, and countless things that I had no patience for. She held me tight tight tight as I sobbed some days and other days she sat with me quietly or left me alone completely knowing I just needed space.
Just the other day, we were standing at the stove together remembering when the kids were little and the youngest was throwing his sha sha’s (ninja turtle spagghetios) all over the floor.
No one – absolutely no one – gets what we’ve been through together as a family like she does. I have realized that many people, whether they are married or not, never have a “Donna” in their lives that they can really confide in and totally depend on.
So why am I talking about lemons and lemonade when it’s winter in Michigan right now?
What I”m trying to say is that out of the hardest experiences I’ve ever lived through has come my greatest learnings and my most amazing teachers.
What I also want you to know is that though what’s going on with you may NOT BE WHAT YOU WANT AT ALL and the most sour lemon you’ve ever tasted, there is a way through it.
Maybe right now, you just need to sit with the parts that are hard because it’s overwhelming.
I’m not the cheerleading type – I’m not going to say “rah rah, this illness is your greatest teacher”! Sometimes that’s just complete bullshit.
If that’s where you’re at, my advice to you is stay there – do whatever you need to do for yourself, whether that’s crawling in a hole somewhere or shooting baskets – until you feel it change on it’s own – nothing stays the same forever and I promise you something will shift your experience.
You don’t have to force anything. So. Not. Helpful.
In fact, it’s all these cheerleaders that make being with what’s really true for you so difficult sometimes when the going gets tough because they may say something like “this isn’t so bad.” Maybe they have no clue what they’re talking about when it comes to you. How could they – they’re not you.
Don’t try and make lemonade when all you see is lemons everywhere. Not necessary at all. Let the lemons morph into their own version of lemonade.
I’ve learned this over and over again.
For me, it’s been 17 years since my beloved husband died.
The kids, Donna, and select others – you know who you are – have helped me through this in the most unusual ways. Not every day have I felt supported – nor have all my needs been answered.
But, today, as I review my situation I see that I have been very blessed to have these special teachers in my life and the gifts they’ve shared with me. So, today, I give thanks for every person who has helped me either directly or indirectly support others who are going through serious or life threatening illnesses.
Without your presence in my life, I wouldn’t be the person I am today and in a position to help others through life when they’ve been dealt a hand that they weren’t expecting.
Can you relate to this? Share your story if you’d like.
Comment Zen
- Share how you feel, ask questions if you want, give feedback.
- Support and insights are most welcome. But, please – no criticism or judgments of me or others.
- You are welcome to mention websites or authors you’ve found helpful. Refrain from giving medical advice.
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December 6th, 2009 at 10:23 pm
CHAR – omg, I had NO idea! I thought your willingness and ability to work with people going thru the horror/uck/shit of huge-scary medical stuff came from ?? I dont know – nursing experience, stuff you saw as a lawyer… I don’t know. I just had NO idea it came from going through losing your beloved husband to a brain tumor.
One of my sons (I had twins) died at birth, was revived and then died 3 mos. later–he was in the hospital the whole time–and considered a “vegetable” (no brain activity, no pain or gag reflex).
The experience was a lemon/lemonade one for me somewhat like yours- in that I certainly didn’t ask for it or even consider it lemony at the time – and in that I had kids who were affected (my son who lived, and my 2-then- teenaged daughters).
I would not have gotten through it without lots of support. The kind of support you are offering. It’s vital!
When I look back on the experience now I can say I wouldn’t give you a nickel to repeat it, but I wouldnt’ trade it for a million dollars. It was/is a lemonade thing. BUT…i love that you told folks not to MAKE things lemonade-y if they didn’t feel that way.
If anyone had handed me “lemonade” at certain times during my grieving I might have handed them their head -grin.
Char, I “met” one of your sons on the Barbara Sher day-long call – not sure whether he’s the intuitive or the practical one – but he’s wonderful!
December 6th, 2009 at 11:23 pm
How wonderful that you had someone like Donna to help you through what must have been an incredibly difficult time.
I’m so sorry to hear about how you lost your husband, Char. I lost my step-brother suddenly to a brain aneurysm about 10 years ago. He was only 22. It’s not nearly the same kind of situation, but I do know that it was so hard to lose someone I loved so suddenly.
Lots of hugs and love to you! xo
December 7th, 2009 at 2:23 am
Wow, what a wonderful family tree you’ve built when the sapling had its trunk axed… and a great reminder not to force the wringing a life lemon into a sour juice, but to maybe let it ferment to its own different but natural nectar in due time…
I’m lucky to not have a story like that to tell (yeesh! What you’ve weathered and come out stronger!) but it is a great reminder to go thank the people that make up my ‘family’ — and to offer you a huge hug (and offer that amazing Donna a mighty salute!)
Keep up the good works, Char ~
~GirlPie
December 7th, 2009 at 1:19 pm
Hi GirlPie:
What a beautiful thing to say about my family tree – never thought of it that way and I love your analogy about letting all of this ferment into its own natural nectar.
Your hug warms me from the tips of my toes to the crown of my head. Donna was here today and I just marvel at her. When she cleans my home, it truly feels touched by an angel. And her presence – oh, simply awesome to have someone who has been with me so long and have a true best friend in my life. I’m continually amazed by the power fo our relationship to sustain me in good times and bad.
Thank you again for showing up and sharing this with me.
December 7th, 2009 at 1:22 pm
Hey Leah:
So sorry to hear of the loss of your beloved brother – so young and what a tough knock for you and your family. Also struck by the sudden-ness of loss when it’s something like a brain aneurysm.
People say that “time heals” and that’s another one of those phrases that makes me want to bash their heads in. Yes, time “heals” on some levels and yet that loss remains in our hearts and shapes us, morphing into it’s own “natural nectar” as Girlpie mentioned in her post.
Thank you so much for sharing your story and for checking in here. I’m sending you love and hugs too.
December 7th, 2009 at 1:26 pm
Hey Karen:
How nice to see you here. Thank you so much for showing up. Yes, you met the intuitive one at the Barbara Sher retreat – and he is amazing.
I am veryvery sorry to hear about the loss of your son – I can’t imagine how painful that must have been for you and most likely still is – those things can be like a tuning fork, they just reverberate and resonate in the oddest times and places. Have you experienced that.
And this made me laugh – “if anyone had handed me “lemonade” at certain times during my grieving I might have handed them their head” – yep, right there with you on that one. Only I would have put their head either between two pitchforks or on a silver platter – grin!!
Seriously though, so sorry for your loss and I hear you that that unbelievably impossible situation has contributued in large measure to who you are today. I’ve looked at your work – looks amazing to me – and I know we’ll be in touch.
Sending you heaping doses of love and support in whatever you do and thanks for sharing your story with us.
xox
December 7th, 2009 at 5:28 pm
Dear Char,
What an amazing, powerful, gut wrenching, heart tearing story. I can’t even imagine what that must have been like to lose your beloved husband. And then be thrown into the position of being a single mom at the same time. Just the thought of it is overwhelming.
You have always inspired me but my respect for you is now zooming off the charts!!
Kudos to you and your courage and your amazing ability to thrive and get the support that you needed during an impossibly difficult time in your life.
I love how you talk about situational lemons turning into lemonade as part of an organic process of growth and something that we really can’t force or make happen. That is such an important piece of wisdom for me to come back to again and again.
Thanks for your story, your vulnerability and your huge, huge heart.
LOVE your new blog !!
Chris
December 7th, 2009 at 6:55 pm
Hey Chris:
So happy to see your beautiful face here. YOu model coming back to that organic process (love that term by the way) of growth which is something we can never force – cuz it just doesn’t turn out when we do it that way. I think we’ve all learned that in one way or another.
Your art embodies this organic growth – the whole process of it and how you turn this idea of being an artist into self expression rather than a goal is exactly what I’m talking about when I talk about lemons morphing into lemonade.
Thank you so much for coming by and sharing yourself with us here.
xoxo
December 12th, 2009 at 12:15 pm
Adore the DON’T TRY! Let the lemons morph… yes, indeed. Thank you for being such a valuable role model.
December 13th, 2009 at 5:54 pm
Hey Char —
Butting in gain, but you mentioned to Chris “nice to see your face” but there are no gravatars here — if you want the color and smiles, consider getting the Gravatar plugin for your WP blog; then anyone can go to http://www.Gravatar.com and upload the photo that they assign to their email address and their face will appear here and across the net (unless the use an unregistered email address for privacy — which may be a point on your blog, dunno.)
But, faces or not, with you in spirit —
FWIW —
@TheGirlPie
December 13th, 2009 at 7:12 pm
Hi GirlPie:
Thank you for this – duly passed on to my favorite web designer Sarah Lacy.
Totally off topic here – Sarah is the web designer for the brain dead (that would be me when it comes to WordPress) and if anyone wants her contact information, just post here. She is actually an amazing artist but also does this kind of work with amazing speed and accuracy, plus she doesn’t explain anything to me other than the bare necessities.
This does all tie in with the subject matter here as my lemons can’t morph naturally into lemonade when I’m brain dead from WordPress wonders.
Thanks again for the feedback!
December 13th, 2009 at 7:16 pm
Hey Julie -
So great to see you and thank you for the compliment. I adore not trying too – trying just doesn’t work when it comes to morphing does it.